You’ve probably forgotten the toilet paper panic at the beginning of the pandemic of 2020. Hubby and I haven’t. We were living in our motor coach at the time, which has bathroom storage the size of a hatbox. We had exactly two rolls of TP when the famous TP panic left store shelves empty of paper products. We panicked, too. We were down to our last few tissue squares. We considered standing on a street corner with a sign, "Will pay top price for toilet paper."
Fortunately, our local diner chain, Mel’s Diner, started selling toilet paper, eggs, and chicken for pickup. Yeah! We ordered our TP and some eggs and became Mel’s fans.
Side note: When I was searching for the picture of us picking up toilet paper at Mel’s, I noticed during that pandemic period I had started taking pictures of food. It’s interesting what coping mechanisms we had back then.
Since toilet paper became a scarce national supply during the pandemic, our friend gifted their friend a bottle of scotch and a roll of toilet paper for his birthday. Her husband grinned and said, “I was taking care of both ends.”
I have a friend who is a toilet paper expert. She loves statistics and for years has tracked the size and thickness of toilet paper rolls. She wants to make sure she gets the best value – always buying the paper on sale with coupons.
She's been on a mission to track the evolving size and thickness of toilet paper rolls. The cardboard core, she insists, has grown larger, implying less tissue on the roll. She's even saved old cores as evidence. My hubby, ever the helpful soul, offered her his caliper for precise measurements. Her dedication is real – she's on a quest to make sure she's not getting TP-ripped-off.
And then there's the age-old debate: How do you use your toilet paper? Roll it, fold it, or crumple it into a ball? She rolls it, I fold it. My friend surveys her close circle, even delving into the realms of wipers versus dabbers. I don't know if she keeps a spreadsheet, but apparently, most folks she's interviewed lean toward the wiping side.
Now to the controversial matter of the correct way to orient the toilet paper. Google it and you’ll get pages of results from humorous videos to scientific studies. Most say the correct way is over the top. First, that’s the way the original inventor or toilet paper diagrammed it. Second, scientific studies say putting it over the top is more sanitary because it decreases the chances it will touch the dirty wall. ABC Everyday claims there is one exception, if you have dogs or small children. If the toilet paper is over the top, it’s easier for them to reach it and unroll it. (1)
Fortunately, none of my cats have shown interest in unrolling the toilet paper. I have, however, witnessed the strange phenomena of the TP spontaneously unrolling itself. It usually happens when the roll is almost used. According to John Stockwell, a retired research associate at the Colorado School of Mines, “If the weight of the unrolled portion is greater than the frictional force of the roll on the spindle, the toilet paper will unroll. Once it starts unrolling, it will continue because the coefficient of kinetic friction is less than the coefficient of static friction.” (3) Heck, I’d rather think it was a ghost cat revisiting me and playing pranks.
As our conversation meandered, we delved into the world of perforations, praising Charmin's wavy ones for a clean tear – no more messy edges. By the way, when you clean the bathroom, do you fold the end in a little triangle like housekeeping does? I do when I’m having a party.
Our discussion of perforations led hubby to tell an engineer’s joke about a fighter plane wing continually tearing off during tests. A janitor hearing the engineer’s frustration over the problem suggested putting perforations at the wing roots. He gave his evidence, “Toilet paper never tears at the perforations.” Scientifically, it’s called Fatigue Engineering. (4)
Even before the pandemic, my friend has always kept a supply of at least 24 rolls on hand, just in case. One reason, she says, is the shipping issue – congestion in the ports and the time the Suez Canal was blocked. I noted I thought the paper was from US forests and made in the US. I ran to my closet to check. My paper towel and TP wrappers said, “Made in the US from US and imported materials. I wondered, "Why are they using imported materials with all our forests?"
It turns out my favorite brands source a lot of their pulp from Canada’s boreal forests, giving them an F rating on the Sustainability Scorecard. (5) That leaves me with a tough decision – do I relinquish my soft paper for a scratchy bottom? Should I pay more to prevent deforestation? A brand called ‘who gives a crap?’ is A-rated. Love the name. I’ll check it out. A brand called ‘bim, bam, boo’ is B-rated.
Finally, as if you aren’t already sick of potty humor, here’s a picture of hubby in 2007. We won the toilet paper wrapping contest. Note – he still had brown hair.
References
Grace Jennings-Edquist, Yes, there's a 'right way' to hang the toilet paper, and it's about hygiene,
Cat Man Chris, Cute Kitten DESTROYS Toilet Paper, Cole and Marmalade, YouTube
John Stockwell, Why did my toilet paper just rapidly unravel itself after I got out of the shower? Is this a ghost or is it science?, Quora
Constantine Michael Xeros, Once Upon a Life: Tales, Stories, Views and Friends, Google Books.
Shelly Vinyard, P&G Stuck in the Past in a Shifting Tissue Marketplace, NRDC.org, September 15, 2021.
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