Warning – Sensitive Content about Naughty Bits*
You mostly know what to expect as you age. Creaky joints, sagging skin, hearing problems, loss of balance, blood pressure and cholesterol problems and many other more life-threatening problems.
But once in a while an old-age issue pops up an issue that surprises you. That happened a while back after I experienced my second urinary tract infection (UTI) in a year. I hadn’t had that many in the previous 50 years. What’s going on? The male physician’s assistant started asking questions to analyze this new phenomenon. Am I drinking enough water? Yes. Sudden change in bathroom habits? Not really. Wild sex? Do dreams count? Do you empty your bladder completely? I think so, how would I know?
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“Well, your bladder muscles weaken as you age and if you don’t empty your bladder completely it can lead to a build-up of bacteria. Here’s a sheet on Kegel exercises – be sure to add them to your daily exercise routine.” Great, I’ve already added balance, stretching, physical therapy for my wrists, knees and heels plus two extra minutes of brushing and flossing to my daily routine. Soon half my day will be spent on maintenance.
After he’d eliminated the above causes for the UTI, the PA realized he had to have ‘the talk’ with me. “You know how your skin starts to sag as you get older? Droopy eyes, jowls, sagging boobs? Well, it’s just not those visible areas where your skin sags and wrinkles. You may need to see a specialist to determine if you need a ’lower torso tuck’ e.g., a twat tuck (TT). You see, it’s hard to keep bacteria out of all those nooks and crannies.”
Of all the indignities of old age I never dreamed I’d be discussing flabby genital tissue with a male PA.
He goes on, “it’s a common issue with women and even men even see an increase in UTIs too.” But men’s problems are caused by a different issue. They can just take a pink pill So, not only do men need a little blue pill for flopping naughty bits it appears they might also need a little pink pill for peeing.
But before I leap into surgery, I wonder, is there some other remedy? Would a bidet do the trick? How much does a bidet cost? How do I fit a bidet in my tiny bathroom? How do I use a bidet? I sort of know because in Santiago, Chile there was a bidet in our hotel room and I asked my Chilean tour guide as we ate ice cream how they use a bidet. Just a normal topic of conversation with someone you barely know.
In case you aren’t familiar with bidets, some European, South American and Japanese people use bidets instead of toilet paper. A bidet is like a toilet, but it includes a spout that streams water like a water fountain to rinse you clean. Now I’m wondering, how do they dry themselves after using the bidet? Do they have a special bidet towel? Do they have bidet towel pails like diaper pails? Or do they still use toilet paper to dry, so it’s not really used instead of toilet paper? Do they use soap? Is there a special butt soap? There’s facial and body soap. What’s clean about spraying toilet water at my butt? I didn’t get the answer to these important questions because I don’t speak Spanish, Portuguese or Japanese, but the whole idea sounds yucky to me.
As I ponder my new situation and the indignity of it all, my friend told me her recent humiliating and infuriating medical situation. Her doctor recommended a bladder Botox injection to ease urgency issues. She was apprehensive and the procedure took a lot of planning since she couldn’t drive and needed a transport service, limiting her available appointment times. But she finally got the appointment and was ready for her injection, lying naked, feet in the air in the stirrups and already prepped with numbing cream when the nurse asks,
“Did you stop taking your Eliquis (blood thinner) three days ago?”
“No, nobody told me I needed to. Can’t you do the procedure anyway?”
“NO, we can’t do the procedure. Doctor says you might bleed, and we wouldn’t be able to stop it.”
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“I was so mad I couldn’t talk. Laying there naked on the table with my numb naughty bits exposed. Why didn’t she ask before I stripped and got prepped for the injection? I was greatly inconvenienced because they didn’t send me the forms with the prep instructions. No apologies. No empathy. Just a haughty lecture that I should have known that I needed to stop that medication. Adding insult to injury the nurse said,’ Oh, the doctor is on holiday for three weeks so we can't reschedule you until next year. See you after New Years. Happy Holidays.’ The nerve!”
One day you might have ‘the talk’ about sensitive personal medical issues that comes with age. Be comforted that the procedures they perfected to keep us looking young on the outside when we were a bit younger– face lifts, tummy tucks, Botox – are now being used to keep us happier and healthier on our less visible parts in our older years.
The miracle of modern medicine.
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