One night at dinner my friend lamented, “My daughter thinks she’s my mother.” She’s always giving me unsolicited advice. She criticizes everything I wear. She tells me my clothes make me look old. I am old, I’m 91. Besides, she dresses like a 60s hippy, who is she to talk?”
“When she stays with me she has to comment on everything I do. “You Play the TV too loud.” “Your apartment is too hot.” I want to say, knock it off, but I’m not as bossy as she is.”
Then there’s another friend. Her daughter hates her perfume. She says it smells like “an old lady.” Her daughter hid the perfume behind other things in the medicine cabinet so she wouldn’t wear it. But my friend found it. “I wanted to spray it all over the house just to tick my daughter off.”
Another friend’s daughter constantly critiques her makeup: “You look pale, you need some color! Here, try these products, they’ll make you look younger.” My friend joked, “You’d think she was selling Avon the way she pushes that stuff on me.”
These examples remind me of the Geico We Have Aunts commercial – Each aunt criticizing the husband or wife. One aunt commented that the husband is slouching again. Another aunt went through the refrigerator and looked at product dates calling out, “expired, expired, expired.” Another aunt said, “It’s a lot of house – hope you can keep It clean.”
Speaking of moving into a new house, one friend was happy her daughter volunteered to help her move but became quickly annoyed when her daughter told her what to get rid of and what to keep. “My daughter was basing her decisions on her childhood and favorite memories associated with certain things. She wasn’t thinking of my perspective as a new widow and what I would need given my situation and my age.”
Of course, you don’t need daughters to hear unsolicited comments about your appearance or what you do. We have a neighbor who expounds with medical advice if you mention any medical problem. She’ll monologue non-stop about her great doctor and what a great experience she had with a particular surgery and everyone needs to see this doctor and you should really go see him. Never mind that you did see that doctor, you still get the speech. Never mind that her surgery was on the foot and it’s your knee that’s bothering you. Never mind anything you say, if you can get a word in edgewise, she’ll keep rambling.
It could be the person giving unsolicited advice is just trying to be helpful. I’m sure the daughters above gave their advice to help their mothers lovingly.
I know most people who give advice mean well. Daughters want to help, friends want to help. And sometimes they actually do. One person online summed it up: “If I don’t care about the advice, I just let it roll off. I mean, do you get annoyed when a dog barks? People are going to do what they do.”
Not all advice givers are control freaks who think they know how to run your life. Sometimes, people genuinely want to help—even when they are not asked to. Whether or not the advice fits your values or specific situation. They may give advice because they care or they are your friend. Or they may be excited because they have found something new and want to share it with everyone.
The thing is, people who give unsolicited advice are doing it from their own experiences and perspectives. And the advice-giver judges you based on their perception of what is desirable.
Even unsolicited advice can be helpful. The times when our blouse tag is sticking out. Or when we have spinach in our teeth. Or when we are dragging toilet paper on our shoe.
Once, a coworker I didn’t know well approached me with unexpected advice: she suggested I be cautious with a new friend I'd made. Her sincerity surprised me, and it seemed thoughtful of her to speak up. Over time, her warning proved helpful, as I noticed some behaviors that made me question my friend’s intentions.
In the examples above, could my friend have dressed more stylishly? Yes. But at her age (and mine) I can understand picking comfort over style. Would some different makeup make my other friend look younger? Maybe. But we live in a retirement community so who cares? And I don’t understand the comment about “old lady perfume.” Does that mean classic, like Chanel No 5 or Opium? If so, I wear old lady perfume.
So the next time someone offers unsolicited advice—whether it’s about makeup, TV volume, or “old lady” perfume—just see if it fits. If it doesn’t? Just smile, nod, and let it roll off.